New York Women Leaders Association NY Chapter Meeting: The Five Archetypes
Carey Davidson of Harmin Labs LLC discusses the five archetypes at the New York Women Leaders Association Chapter Meeting.
Transcript
All right, we are going to move into our next um presenter and this is Carrie Davidson and she's going to be talking about discovering your true nature and transform your life and relationships. Carrie is a worldrenowned speaker, author, founder and she's an expert in the business of selfmastery. An Ayurvedic nutritionist and a Raiki master, Carrie is passionate educator with students around the world. She's taught workshops you'll experience today. She'll she's taught the workshop you'll experience today for Tony Robbins, South by Southwest, Microsoft, Ivy League Universities, Fortune 500 companies, and international NOS's. Her book is The Five Archetypes: Discover Your True Nature and Transform Your Life and Relationships: Uncovering What Motivates Perpetual Growth and Lifelong Purpose.
So, I brought my audible list up here so I'm prepared for to remember what I'm reading or listening to. Um, I'm super excited to be teaching this to you guys today. Uh, my name is Carrie Davidson. I am a worldrenowned expert in perceptions and how they make or break relationships. I've been teaching this to groups of women and men around the world specifically who are leaders who want to become better leaders, more compassionate leaders. We've talked a lot about that today. And I personally use this work in my personal life with my kids, with my clients at work. And I'm really just super excited to give you guys these skills today. Um, that's me. All right.
So, we are going to start by playing. We have like 45 minutes and I want to really get into the play part because that's how I like to learn and how I like to teach. And we're going to learn some of these concepts by demonstrating them in in a skit. And I'm going to need two volunteers who are willing to be actors. Yay, come on up. And yay, come on up. H. Um, I think up here. I think we should, you know. Yeah, I think up here. These two spots. And I need a third person to volunteer to keep time who doesn't necessarily have to come up and who's good at like Yeah, thank you. Um, so they have no idea.
They've never met me before. They don't know what they're about to do. They're learning this for the first time right now. And if you guys would give me 30 seconds with my actors, I need to give them some direction. And would you please tell me when 30 seconds is up? Thank you very much. Okay.
Well done. Okay. All right. So, guys, please be aware like notice what's happening. Take notes. Um, see what see what comes up for you while this goes on. And so, I'm gonna ask my timekeeper, what's your name? Noah. Hey, Noah. Super you for volunteering to cut us at 30 seconds,
right? Um, okay. Uh, action. You have to speak loud enough for them to hear me. Okay, let's start over. Hey, how are you doing? Hey, I'm doing good. Good. Have you seen this problem that is going on in human resources recently? Oh yeah, exactly. It is so so why the small talk it's Do you always work this one? No, we are trying to solve the problem. What's the problem? What's the problem? Uh well there is something in in human resources that we haven't received the correct salaries or did you ask? No, not yet. We were just starting to talk. Wait, this sounds exactly like what Joe was doing last week. No, but like this. No, we just trying to solve the problem.
Okay. Hi. Yell it out. What went What happened? Interruption. What up? Impatience. Impatience. Confusion. Rude. Yeah, I was a jerk. Negativity. Right. Awesome. Any sound familiar? Look familiar? Ever seen anything like this before? Awesome. Okay, now we're going to do one more. Um, so when you guys are ready, you ready? Okay, so 30 seconds.
Yeah. Very, very good. Problem that we had. I'm sorry to interrupt. It's so nice to see you guys. Oh my I've heard about this problem going on in HR and I'm so glad to know that we've got two amazing minds working on it. Is there any way I can be helpful? Like do you guys know what you need? Exactly. So that was what we were about to talk. You know we need some kind of a different perspective so that you know we can have worked together in getting a solution. Thank you for asking. I love that you realize you need perspective. That's huge. That's incredible. So let's make a plan. Let's get together. I'm going to think about this.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. All right. A big round of applause for the Can I ask you what was the difference? How did you guys feel different between these two times? Like the first time what went on inside? Lots of surprise in the beginning. Then a lot of push back. What's going on? It's like I couldn't concentrate on the problem itself but actually depending on you. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yes. Anyone ever feel like that when you're being attacked you
can't concentrate can't solve. Yeah. And the other aspect is you know she told me that both of us I know before you prepped us that okay I'm not going to be nice to you. Okay. We kind of knew but even then it was oh oh my god right. Yeah. Yeah. And what about the second time? Second time was uh I would say it was more I would say I was more engaged. I wanted to work with you. I wanted to I was happy that you you were pitching in. Both of us felt that way. Absolutely. more open to clothing. Anybody else ever feel like that around a leader? Like really open and supported and Yeah.
Wow. We got to work together. All right. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Yeah, they're right. You know, we um the first time I demonstrated what it feels like to leave with perception. I walked in, I didn't wait. These girls were just talking. Why are they wasting my time, my precious time? Right. The second time I demonstrated the experience of using some of the techniques and the skills that we're going to talk about today. Self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, listening, and a growth mindset. Not going to go into all those really deeply. We're going to do the top three. Self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy. Now, if there's one thing that you guys remember today, please remember remember this
point. Under stress, we make decisions way too fast. So even when things around you are speeding up or uncomfortable, slow down to learn rather than inserting your own reactive perceptions. So what's the potential impact of inserting your own fixed mind or stressed perceptions? Right? How it depends on how many choices we make in a day. According to Cornell University, research estimates that we make almost 230 decisions a day on what we're going to eat alone. Makes sense. Or food alone, right? So, we had a lot of leaders in this room, right? Someone else was asking how many people are leaders. As we get more and more responsibility in our lives, we have to make more and more choices.
I'm curious. How many choices do you guys think that these Cornell dudes realized that leaders make over in the course of a day to anyone? Shout it out. Don't be shy. I got it wrong, too. 1500. 1500 going once. Are we bidding on something? Anyone else? Any other number? 5,000. 5,000 more. Anybody else? It's higher. Oh wow. I wish I had a prize. 35,000 choices in a day. Now imagine the impact you're going to make if you lead with perceptions rather than slowing down and taking the time to learn a little bit more about the context of what's going on and be a more compassionate leader.
So this is such an unconscious and habitual behavior that we do that we need a really reliable system to change these unconscious habits into conscious choices and a system in order to do that it requires a few things. One we have to be able to predict our fixed perceptions. We have to be able to know ahead of time exactly what our habitual thoughts are. We have to know what triggers them. So, we have to be able to predict when those moments are going to happen like Thanksgiving and mother-in-law's perceptions are going to come up, right? And then we need to learn how to regulate. Do you guys know what I mean by regulate? Does anyone want to shout out what's in what's what does regulate mean?
Don't react. Um, so don't react is the outcome of regulation, right? So, does anyone know how to regulate? Like, do you have a practice? Deep breath. Yeah. Anything else? Pause. Think. So, where's my two actors? Could you pause think? What was the other one? When I was yelling at you, how easy was it? No. No. absolutely impossible. So, back to this idea that these are unconscious habitual things that we do and if we don't have a system of deeply understanding what our fixed mind perceptions are going to what kind of trouble they're going to get us in um we don't have a lot of hope of regulating and going into the breath. I can't find my breath when some certain things happen.
It's like, oh my god, I haven't breathed in like 30 minutes. That just happened, right? Okay, so let's hop right into the critical principles that I really want to teach you guys today. You've seen how perceptions can make or break, right, situations. So, let's discover how to slow things down. And we're going to do it through self-regulation, self awareness, self-regulation, and empathy, but transforming our relationship to these things because we can't do anything about something we can't relate to. If you can't feel it, if you don't have a relationship to it, it can't happen. How many people are really um great at regulating through breathing? How many pe How many of us in this room can actually find our breath in a moment of stress?
Anyone? Okay, so it's really easy. How many people cannot? Yeah, there's a reason behind that. There's a relationship to the breath depending on each of your archetypes, right? that each of us has. And some of us have a really easy time going to the breath. And for some of us, it is our downfall. Don't freaking tell me to breathe. Sorry, can I say freaking? Well, it will spike my heart rate. Right? So, we need to understand how we relate to self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy to have success. So we'll do this through the context of the five archetypes method which is what my book is about and what I teach about. And this is a system for real time assessment of our unconscious thoughts and our habitual behavior and for individualizing a path to a growth mindset and empathy and regulation.
Right. Um is there anything else I want to tell you about that? No. Okay. Let's start with each type. Do each of you have did each of you fill out the assessment? Okay. So, make sure that you're clear about which one is your highest and then cascading down to which one is your lowest. So, the first key principle that we're going to talk about is self-awareness. Now, specifically, what do we want to become aware about? Like everyone talks about the importance of self-awareness. Well, I know that my right ankle bothers me, so I'm really self-aware today. Or I know that this jacket can make me hot if it's too warm in a room. Well, does that make me self-aware?
So, what are what are the components of self-awareness? What are we even talking about? What do you guys I mean, does anyone feel how who feels self-aware? Yeah. I mean, Lori said you were, right? So, what does that mean? What does what does it mean to be self-aware? Yeah,
absolutely. Do you know yours really well? Awesome. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Do you always know what your values are? Do you live to your values? Right. And it's hard sometimes when you're triggered. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't she annoying when she does that? like you're not invited to this party tonight. Yes. Yes. But what do all these things require? It requires that we slow down in stress. And when we feel stress, we speed up to fix it because humans can't tolerate discomfort. And we will do anything we can to get out of that discomfort. And it usually means shutting down to growth. Because slow means I'm not going to get out of this pain as fast as I want to.
in our habitual mind. So when I teach self-awareness, what I want to teach you how to do is to slow down and quiet yourself enough to be able to listen to the whispers, those very beginning thoughts and and words that are critical of yourself or someone else. criticisms, judgment, blame, victim, grief, anger, all of these, anything that is not joy, all those other things. That's what when I teach self-awareness, it's the ability to to listen at the earliest moments because if you catch it early, it doesn't turn into a choice or an action or a behavior or an interaction that screws you that you have to go back and fix. And imagine the amount of time you're going to save in not having to go down that road.
Rather, choosing an action that's more compassionate to yourself and to others. So these uh these self-awareness um you know components, these thoughts are different for each type. So if you guys have your your scores with you, I'm going to go through each one so that you start to really um understand yourself. and others. And we're going to start with fire. Now, this is not an exhaustive list. The exhaustive list is in my book, but um in the essence of time, we are going to go through the top like three components of each. So, fire people, their gift to the world is hope and joy and intuition. Their biggest stress states revolve around panic and anxiety and and burnout.
Their typical fixed mind thinking under stress um happens when they have a fear of disconnect, a fear of loss of love. Uh their fixed mind states also show up in loving to say yes and they absolutely cannot say no. It's very difficult. They also can't tolerate uncomfortable emotions in themselves or in other people. And they tend to be fixing your emotions really fast because your bad emotions make me feel like And so in that fire people are at risk for not learning from their mistakes because it takes some time to slow down and feel those uncomfortable emotions and understand what they mean in order to build the skill set to learn what came up because of that.
How what was the what did those emotions tell me I need? Does anybody have highest fire in the room? Anyone else? Okay. Anyone have lowest fire? So those people who have lowest fire, these types of people push your buttons.
Yeah, it's a little hard to tolerate them. Um now fire people perceptions. So for the couple I think there were two right threeish fire people in the room the perceptions those whispers of thoughts that you're going to have um are going to be around think judging other people right the perceptions you'll have of others uh will be like oh they worry too much just have fun uh this is really boring you know I want to do something that's that's a little bit more variety like it's too repetitive like data entry um it could be a perception in a fixed mind or stress state could be gosh they're so serious. Sorry, I don't know why I just put an accent on that, but they're so serious.
Um, and it could also be like, gosh, she's mean. Those things can come up very Now, who relates to any of that, right? You don't have to be fire to relate to that. We all have all five of these elements within us in different amounts. primary fire are most at risk for those being the whispers that happen to them. So earth people earth people their biggest gift to the world is um is empathy and unity. They create community. They they are the glue in relationships. um when they feel stressed, they go into overwhelm, worry, self-doubt, usually around people not uh getting along or that they're not fitting in or that that they're not pleasing people enough or that people might feel uncomfortable around me, right?
I want to make sure that everyone's getting along is something that happens in an earth mind. Um, Earth people, typical fixed mind thinking, um, they get so worried about making sure everyone's okay that they don't do anything. They lose the dynamic tension to actually make something happen, so they can't make a decision. They get too concerned about letting people down. They believe that they should never have to witness conflict between people. They love to turn chaos into order. They're problem solvers, right? conflict is really uncomfortable. I don't like that. So, I want to create I want to be the one who solves this. Um under um in their perception state, their stressed perceptions, they can be judgy or critical uh in ways that um say like, 'Oh, she's too showoffy.' Or, 'Gosh, they're so picky.' Or, 'He's really too detached.' or gosh, that person's so pushy, right?
They they like unity. So, their their criticisms or judgments will have to do with topics that are about separation. Pushiness separates us. People who are detached, not making eye contact, not wanting to engage in the storytelling, not wanting to network, not wanting to go to the brainstorming meeting. There's they they become critical of those people. And that's where the perceptions come in and can can mess them up. Any high earth? Any highest earth? Yeah. Any of this sound familiar to
you? Any lowest earth? You're like embarrassed. Oh, there were two lowest earths. Yeah. So, lowest earth. Do these people does it annoy you when people talk a lot and tell stories a lot? Yeah. Right. Now, those are going to be your fixed mind perceptions in the face of earth people. They're most likely to trigger your perceptions shutting you down to the potential for growth and connecting with earth people who have a lot to offer. We all do. Okay. Metal metal people. Metal people, their gift to the world is beauty and um and precision. Metal people are really good at determining what is of value and what is not. Take this, these five, and let the rest go.
So, they can be they can be picky, but for good reason to help us not waste our time. Um, metal people, they are dignified and refined. They are the ones who learn their lessons because they don't really care as much as fire people about needing to fix everyone's emotions. They care more about not making mistakes in the future. And so not making mistakes requires that we sit in a little bit of sadness or grief over what just happened, what just went down, because it's in those moments that we can actually learn and we can grow and we can be better next time. Um, when they feel stressed, they can overfocus on the details. They can overfocus on the story.
They can overfocus on the past. How did this happen? let's talk about it and and like rehash it again. Um, and they can lose sight of the bigger picture. They can lose sight of the importance of moving things forward fast by, you know, instead holding on to what happened and and chaining themselves to the story. Um, in fixed mind thinking, uh, they believe that making mistakes are bad. So, they can become a little bit addicted to practicing or becoming perfect. uh they believe they should never have to admit to being wrong. Um now their perceptions, their fixed mind perceptions of others um could be that person insults my boundaries, that person's too needy, that person's indecisive, that person is too absent-minded, that person's a rule breaker.
Anybody have primary highest medal? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does that sound familiar to you? Ring true? Do you ever do you notice yourself in those definitions? Yes. Yeah. Um, fire people in the room. Where are you again? How often do you go for the lesson in that in that bad thing that happened?
Sometimes. Sometimes. But is it your like it's the is it the way you lead? Like do you lead in or do you do you lead with the emotional reaction to oh that hurt or wow I can learn something from this person who just dumped me?
Yeah. Yeah. How where on your um in your five what your top is fire which one is your metal. Yeah, that's why. Yes. So, so you know we have all of these in um there we go. We have all of these in different orders and you're modified by the ones that are also high. Second, third, you're modified by them. So, if you have really high fire and very low metal, you're likely to be a lot more reactive to to people's emotions and to relationships that might not have gone well. If you've got really high fire and really high metal, you balance that out. You're able to feel it and pause and reflect on it and understand why it went bad and be okay.
Uh, anything else I want to ask you guys? All right, let's go on to water. Okay. water people their gift to the world um is thank you their gift to the world is um is being deeply wise and insightful and giving us meaning and value why are we all here one of you guys mentioned you know the importance of um knowing why we're here what's the purpose in order to be self-aware um water are the harbingers of that um water people when they're stressed they can be withdrawn abs absent- minded, stubborn, grouchy. Um, their typical fixed mind thinking is, 'I should not have to socialize. I don't want to go to network with you. I don't want to make any friends here.
I shouldn't have to.' Um, um, they they tend to fear that they're going to make the wrong decision. Um, they uh they can't tolerate being misunderstood at the same time. So, while they're overly quiet more than the other types, they actually can perpetuate the very thing they they're most afraid of is being misunderstood. Does anybody have primary water? Oh, wow. Sorry, that was like very fiery of me. Um, it's not nor it's not common that we have a lot of water people in a room. Usually, they're they don't like to come to social events. Were you for W were you guys forced to come?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It's really important to round ourselves out to really understand all these components within us in order to be successful. I love it. I love that you guys are here. Anybody have lowest water? So about 90% of the people who take this assessment around the world and we have tens of thousands are lowest water. Um water is about listening. Water is about slowing down. Water is about not reacting to your stress states. Water is taking time and not listening to your fixed mind's p fixed mind perceptions. And so if you think about what does that say about our world? What does that say about our ability to not react, to not judge, to not criticize?
Look at what's happening in the world. Look at what's probably happening sometimes in our own families, in our own offices, in our own minds, right? Wood types um wood people their gift to the world is is freedom is teaching us that we can do what we want to do when we want to do it to to achieve and uh not worry about obstacles. Their stress states they become angry, intolerant, impulsive, impatient. um their fixed mind thinking under stress is that uh they will avoid they'll avoid challenges if they don't think they're going to win and they don't believe they should ever have to lose. And um they can also have perceptions where they go into thinking that people are too silly um that people don't get things done.
They're too weak. They're too uptight or they're too slow. Anybody have primary wood in the room? She's like it's not bad. These are just fixed the right these are fixed mind the these are what all of us you know what happens when we feel you know when we don't get our needs met for safety wood needs momentum in order to feel safe if they feel confined they go into these stress states right anybody have lowest wood okay lowest wood um one would people in their momentum movement state could could push your buttons And you might start to feel discomfort and go into your fixed mind thoughts and criticism of yourself and others. But it also means when you have low wood in your own energy that sometimes it's hard for you to take initiative.
It's hard to get things started. It's hard to stick to that exercise plan, right? Make sense? Okay. We're going to skip reflections. We're going to go we're going to go back. But I want to ask you something. You want to have a little bit of fun. Imagine now that you know a little bit about these elements that you have someone who's got a lot of wood and a lot of fire and very low water. Think about it from from an element perspective. What happens? What do you think happens inside that person's mind? They burn out. Yes. Literally, they burn out. Right. Someone who needs speed and needs fun with no pause and no slowing down. That's burnout.
Now, self-regulation. I want to move into this a little bit quickly. Each of us has a very different way that we regulate. Fire regulates through earth, right? How many fire people in the room? So, fire regulating through earth means that when you feel you're going into your fixed mind thoughts, you should eat something. You should talk to a friend you can trust, right? You should teach someone else something. Connect, go back to connect to people who you know have your back. When earth people uh are are in their stress states, they regulate through metal. Earth goes into overwhelm and worry. Um specifically about fitting in. Metal is the breath. So take a really nice exhale. That these are people who want fire.
Earth people regulate through the breath. They also regulate by organizing something, cleaning something. You clean out that junk drawer, re refold all your sweaters, clean out something in the fridge, right? Um, metal stops that ruminating brain. Metal is structure. And what happens? Earth in overwhelm, their mind can't stop. Metal behaviors stop the overwhelm. Metal regulates through water. Just pause. Just pause. You can meditate. Get creative. Walk away from it. Go outside. Slow down. Water people regulate through wood. Make a plan. Wood is a plan. What What's the one thing I can do to move this idea forward and get it out of my head? Water gets addicted to thinking. Wood moves it out. Yes. Right. Um what is also exercise?
It's also changing your perspective. If you can't exercise, turn and look around. Look, move your chair to face the other wall. It makes a huge difference for water who get water logged. Literally wood regulates through fire. Remember something amazing you did. You know, celebrate something. Watch a funny cat video. Um talk to someone who will remind you that you're amazing, that you that you've achieved so much. wood wood needs wood can feel very critical of themselves if they don't feel self-confident. So do something that boosts your confidence. All of these are are ways to regulate when you go into that spin out and the fixed mind so that that brings you back to a growth mind perspective so that you can actually use your brain and problem solve.
Right? Like we had our actors up here, they couldn't even access their brains, right? Okay. Um, now imagine how hard it is to regulate if you're wood and you have a lot of metal and a lot of earth around you or your boss is metal and your co- boss is earth. Wood needs momentum. What does metal do? Does is metal momentum and speed? No. Metal is the energy of stop and earth is earth all about speed? How many earth people right earth is about well let's sit with this. Let's kumbaya and wood is like how hard is it for for wood to regulate under those circumstances. It's not easy. So empathy I want to do a quick how many minutes do I have?
Five minutes. I want to do a quick empathy exercise. Now empathy there are a few stages to empathy. Empathy is not just like I'm going to put myself in her shoes and I know what she's feeling. Empathy is understanding what someone else feels. Understanding what they need to regulate and then regulate regulating yourself out of a fixed mindset. When you are in your fixed mindset, the other types feel it. No matter what you say or don't say, it is uncomfortable. There are certain challenges baked within this um this system that you know fire makes metal feel uncomfortable. wood makes earth feel uncomfortable. And so if we are in our fixed mind state, other people are feeling uncomfortable around us and they cannot access all the amazing skills that all these speakers have brought to us today because we're too stuck because someone's yelling at
me. So, I want you guys to make sure that again you learn how to slow down when you're feeling these stuck feelings and practice self-awareness, practice self-regulation, practice empathy. There's a lot more that you can learn. If you are interested in doing so, here's how to contact me. But in the meantime, we have like a second for a Q&A and I want to be able to answer any questions. So, thank you guys. Yeah. Oh
Okay. That's why I brought my phone up here, not to play. Although I, you know. Does anyone anyone want to guess what my primary is? Oh, I said it. Cheaters. Yeah, I'm fire. Okay, so fire. Um, okay. The invisible life of Addy Laroo. I loved uh the once in future witches. Really good. Um, a beautiful constraint is actually uh very related to the five elements. Uh a beautiful constraint is about how when we have structure metal when we have metal when we have to um conform to specific rules and we don't just have the freedom to create like wood people like to and fire people like to it forces us to get super creative. So I love that the giver of stars the Paris library autobiography of a yogi I'm being very fire about this answer so I'll stop.
Yes. Any other questions? In what scenario? too. Yeah. So, if you look at the cycle, the ones next to you are nurturers. The ones across from you are your challengers. Now, they challenge you to grow. It doesn't mean that you can't ever hang out with someone who's across from you or that you can't hire someone on your team who's, you know, a challenger. It means that they are going to challenge you the most to stay in your growth mindset and to not go into your perceptions. Um, so the people next to you, yes, wood and earth are incredible. I'm sorry, wood and and water are incredible nurturers together, but the dynamics are very different.
And when you understand them and you honor and dignify the humanity, you grow from each other. Anybody else? Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
So, I brought my audible list up here so I'm prepared for to remember what I'm reading or listening to. Um, I'm super excited to be teaching this to you guys today. Uh, my name is Carrie Davidson. I am a worldrenowned expert in perceptions and how they make or break relationships. I've been teaching this to groups of women and men around the world specifically who are leaders who want to become better leaders, more compassionate leaders. We've talked a lot about that today. And I personally use this work in my personal life with my kids, with my clients at work. And I'm really just super excited to give you guys these skills today. Um, that's me. All right.
So, we are going to start by playing. We have like 45 minutes and I want to really get into the play part because that's how I like to learn and how I like to teach. And we're going to learn some of these concepts by demonstrating them in in a skit. And I'm going to need two volunteers who are willing to be actors. Yay, come on up. And yay, come on up. H. Um, I think up here. I think we should, you know. Yeah, I think up here. These two spots. And I need a third person to volunteer to keep time who doesn't necessarily have to come up and who's good at like Yeah, thank you. Um, so they have no idea.
They've never met me before. They don't know what they're about to do. They're learning this for the first time right now. And if you guys would give me 30 seconds with my actors, I need to give them some direction. And would you please tell me when 30 seconds is up? Thank you very much. Okay.
Well done. Okay. All right. So, guys, please be aware like notice what's happening. Take notes. Um, see what see what comes up for you while this goes on. And so, I'm gonna ask my timekeeper, what's your name? Noah. Hey, Noah. Super you for volunteering to cut us at 30 seconds,
right? Um, okay. Uh, action. You have to speak loud enough for them to hear me. Okay, let's start over. Hey, how are you doing? Hey, I'm doing good. Good. Have you seen this problem that is going on in human resources recently? Oh yeah, exactly. It is so so why the small talk it's Do you always work this one? No, we are trying to solve the problem. What's the problem? What's the problem? Uh well there is something in in human resources that we haven't received the correct salaries or did you ask? No, not yet. We were just starting to talk. Wait, this sounds exactly like what Joe was doing last week. No, but like this. No, we just trying to solve the problem.
Okay. Hi. Yell it out. What went What happened? Interruption. What up? Impatience. Impatience. Confusion. Rude. Yeah, I was a jerk. Negativity. Right. Awesome. Any sound familiar? Look familiar? Ever seen anything like this before? Awesome. Okay, now we're going to do one more. Um, so when you guys are ready, you ready? Okay, so 30 seconds.
Yeah. Very, very good. Problem that we had. I'm sorry to interrupt. It's so nice to see you guys. Oh my I've heard about this problem going on in HR and I'm so glad to know that we've got two amazing minds working on it. Is there any way I can be helpful? Like do you guys know what you need? Exactly. So that was what we were about to talk. You know we need some kind of a different perspective so that you know we can have worked together in getting a solution. Thank you for asking. I love that you realize you need perspective. That's huge. That's incredible. So let's make a plan. Let's get together. I'm going to think about this.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. All right. A big round of applause for the Can I ask you what was the difference? How did you guys feel different between these two times? Like the first time what went on inside? Lots of surprise in the beginning. Then a lot of push back. What's going on? It's like I couldn't concentrate on the problem itself but actually depending on you. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yes. Anyone ever feel like that when you're being attacked you
can't concentrate can't solve. Yeah. And the other aspect is you know she told me that both of us I know before you prepped us that okay I'm not going to be nice to you. Okay. We kind of knew but even then it was oh oh my god right. Yeah. Yeah. And what about the second time? Second time was uh I would say it was more I would say I was more engaged. I wanted to work with you. I wanted to I was happy that you you were pitching in. Both of us felt that way. Absolutely. more open to clothing. Anybody else ever feel like that around a leader? Like really open and supported and Yeah.
Wow. We got to work together. All right. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Yeah, they're right. You know, we um the first time I demonstrated what it feels like to leave with perception. I walked in, I didn't wait. These girls were just talking. Why are they wasting my time, my precious time? Right. The second time I demonstrated the experience of using some of the techniques and the skills that we're going to talk about today. Self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, listening, and a growth mindset. Not going to go into all those really deeply. We're going to do the top three. Self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy. Now, if there's one thing that you guys remember today, please remember remember this
point. Under stress, we make decisions way too fast. So even when things around you are speeding up or uncomfortable, slow down to learn rather than inserting your own reactive perceptions. So what's the potential impact of inserting your own fixed mind or stressed perceptions? Right? How it depends on how many choices we make in a day. According to Cornell University, research estimates that we make almost 230 decisions a day on what we're going to eat alone. Makes sense. Or food alone, right? So, we had a lot of leaders in this room, right? Someone else was asking how many people are leaders. As we get more and more responsibility in our lives, we have to make more and more choices.
I'm curious. How many choices do you guys think that these Cornell dudes realized that leaders make over in the course of a day to anyone? Shout it out. Don't be shy. I got it wrong, too. 1500. 1500 going once. Are we bidding on something? Anyone else? Any other number? 5,000. 5,000 more. Anybody else? It's higher. Oh wow. I wish I had a prize. 35,000 choices in a day. Now imagine the impact you're going to make if you lead with perceptions rather than slowing down and taking the time to learn a little bit more about the context of what's going on and be a more compassionate leader.
So this is such an unconscious and habitual behavior that we do that we need a really reliable system to change these unconscious habits into conscious choices and a system in order to do that it requires a few things. One we have to be able to predict our fixed perceptions. We have to be able to know ahead of time exactly what our habitual thoughts are. We have to know what triggers them. So, we have to be able to predict when those moments are going to happen like Thanksgiving and mother-in-law's perceptions are going to come up, right? And then we need to learn how to regulate. Do you guys know what I mean by regulate? Does anyone want to shout out what's in what's what does regulate mean?
Don't react. Um, so don't react is the outcome of regulation, right? So, does anyone know how to regulate? Like, do you have a practice? Deep breath. Yeah. Anything else? Pause. Think. So, where's my two actors? Could you pause think? What was the other one? When I was yelling at you, how easy was it? No. No. absolutely impossible. So, back to this idea that these are unconscious habitual things that we do and if we don't have a system of deeply understanding what our fixed mind perceptions are going to what kind of trouble they're going to get us in um we don't have a lot of hope of regulating and going into the breath. I can't find my breath when some certain things happen.
It's like, oh my god, I haven't breathed in like 30 minutes. That just happened, right? Okay, so let's hop right into the critical principles that I really want to teach you guys today. You've seen how perceptions can make or break, right, situations. So, let's discover how to slow things down. And we're going to do it through self-regulation, self awareness, self-regulation, and empathy, but transforming our relationship to these things because we can't do anything about something we can't relate to. If you can't feel it, if you don't have a relationship to it, it can't happen. How many people are really um great at regulating through breathing? How many pe How many of us in this room can actually find our breath in a moment of stress?
Anyone? Okay, so it's really easy. How many people cannot? Yeah, there's a reason behind that. There's a relationship to the breath depending on each of your archetypes, right? that each of us has. And some of us have a really easy time going to the breath. And for some of us, it is our downfall. Don't freaking tell me to breathe. Sorry, can I say freaking? Well, it will spike my heart rate. Right? So, we need to understand how we relate to self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy to have success. So we'll do this through the context of the five archetypes method which is what my book is about and what I teach about. And this is a system for real time assessment of our unconscious thoughts and our habitual behavior and for individualizing a path to a growth mindset and empathy and regulation.
Right. Um is there anything else I want to tell you about that? No. Okay. Let's start with each type. Do each of you have did each of you fill out the assessment? Okay. So, make sure that you're clear about which one is your highest and then cascading down to which one is your lowest. So, the first key principle that we're going to talk about is self-awareness. Now, specifically, what do we want to become aware about? Like everyone talks about the importance of self-awareness. Well, I know that my right ankle bothers me, so I'm really self-aware today. Or I know that this jacket can make me hot if it's too warm in a room. Well, does that make me self-aware?
So, what are what are the components of self-awareness? What are we even talking about? What do you guys I mean, does anyone feel how who feels self-aware? Yeah. I mean, Lori said you were, right? So, what does that mean? What does what does it mean to be self-aware? Yeah,
absolutely. Do you know yours really well? Awesome. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Do you always know what your values are? Do you live to your values? Right. And it's hard sometimes when you're triggered. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't she annoying when she does that? like you're not invited to this party tonight. Yes. Yes. But what do all these things require? It requires that we slow down in stress. And when we feel stress, we speed up to fix it because humans can't tolerate discomfort. And we will do anything we can to get out of that discomfort. And it usually means shutting down to growth. Because slow means I'm not going to get out of this pain as fast as I want to.
in our habitual mind. So when I teach self-awareness, what I want to teach you how to do is to slow down and quiet yourself enough to be able to listen to the whispers, those very beginning thoughts and and words that are critical of yourself or someone else. criticisms, judgment, blame, victim, grief, anger, all of these, anything that is not joy, all those other things. That's what when I teach self-awareness, it's the ability to to listen at the earliest moments because if you catch it early, it doesn't turn into a choice or an action or a behavior or an interaction that screws you that you have to go back and fix. And imagine the amount of time you're going to save in not having to go down that road.
Rather, choosing an action that's more compassionate to yourself and to others. So these uh these self-awareness um you know components, these thoughts are different for each type. So if you guys have your your scores with you, I'm going to go through each one so that you start to really um understand yourself. and others. And we're going to start with fire. Now, this is not an exhaustive list. The exhaustive list is in my book, but um in the essence of time, we are going to go through the top like three components of each. So, fire people, their gift to the world is hope and joy and intuition. Their biggest stress states revolve around panic and anxiety and and burnout.
Their typical fixed mind thinking under stress um happens when they have a fear of disconnect, a fear of loss of love. Uh their fixed mind states also show up in loving to say yes and they absolutely cannot say no. It's very difficult. They also can't tolerate uncomfortable emotions in themselves or in other people. And they tend to be fixing your emotions really fast because your bad emotions make me feel like And so in that fire people are at risk for not learning from their mistakes because it takes some time to slow down and feel those uncomfortable emotions and understand what they mean in order to build the skill set to learn what came up because of that.
How what was the what did those emotions tell me I need? Does anybody have highest fire in the room? Anyone else? Okay. Anyone have lowest fire? So those people who have lowest fire, these types of people push your buttons.
Yeah, it's a little hard to tolerate them. Um now fire people perceptions. So for the couple I think there were two right threeish fire people in the room the perceptions those whispers of thoughts that you're going to have um are going to be around think judging other people right the perceptions you'll have of others uh will be like oh they worry too much just have fun uh this is really boring you know I want to do something that's that's a little bit more variety like it's too repetitive like data entry um it could be a perception in a fixed mind or stress state could be gosh they're so serious. Sorry, I don't know why I just put an accent on that, but they're so serious.
Um, and it could also be like, gosh, she's mean. Those things can come up very Now, who relates to any of that, right? You don't have to be fire to relate to that. We all have all five of these elements within us in different amounts. primary fire are most at risk for those being the whispers that happen to them. So earth people earth people their biggest gift to the world is um is empathy and unity. They create community. They they are the glue in relationships. um when they feel stressed, they go into overwhelm, worry, self-doubt, usually around people not uh getting along or that they're not fitting in or that that they're not pleasing people enough or that people might feel uncomfortable around me, right?
I want to make sure that everyone's getting along is something that happens in an earth mind. Um, Earth people, typical fixed mind thinking, um, they get so worried about making sure everyone's okay that they don't do anything. They lose the dynamic tension to actually make something happen, so they can't make a decision. They get too concerned about letting people down. They believe that they should never have to witness conflict between people. They love to turn chaos into order. They're problem solvers, right? conflict is really uncomfortable. I don't like that. So, I want to create I want to be the one who solves this. Um under um in their perception state, their stressed perceptions, they can be judgy or critical uh in ways that um say like, 'Oh, she's too showoffy.' Or, 'Gosh, they're so picky.' Or, 'He's really too detached.' or gosh, that person's so pushy, right?
They they like unity. So, their their criticisms or judgments will have to do with topics that are about separation. Pushiness separates us. People who are detached, not making eye contact, not wanting to engage in the storytelling, not wanting to network, not wanting to go to the brainstorming meeting. There's they they become critical of those people. And that's where the perceptions come in and can can mess them up. Any high earth? Any highest earth? Yeah. Any of this sound familiar to
you? Any lowest earth? You're like embarrassed. Oh, there were two lowest earths. Yeah. So, lowest earth. Do these people does it annoy you when people talk a lot and tell stories a lot? Yeah. Right. Now, those are going to be your fixed mind perceptions in the face of earth people. They're most likely to trigger your perceptions shutting you down to the potential for growth and connecting with earth people who have a lot to offer. We all do. Okay. Metal metal people. Metal people, their gift to the world is beauty and um and precision. Metal people are really good at determining what is of value and what is not. Take this, these five, and let the rest go.
So, they can be they can be picky, but for good reason to help us not waste our time. Um, metal people, they are dignified and refined. They are the ones who learn their lessons because they don't really care as much as fire people about needing to fix everyone's emotions. They care more about not making mistakes in the future. And so not making mistakes requires that we sit in a little bit of sadness or grief over what just happened, what just went down, because it's in those moments that we can actually learn and we can grow and we can be better next time. Um, when they feel stressed, they can overfocus on the details. They can overfocus on the story.
They can overfocus on the past. How did this happen? let's talk about it and and like rehash it again. Um, and they can lose sight of the bigger picture. They can lose sight of the importance of moving things forward fast by, you know, instead holding on to what happened and and chaining themselves to the story. Um, in fixed mind thinking, uh, they believe that making mistakes are bad. So, they can become a little bit addicted to practicing or becoming perfect. uh they believe they should never have to admit to being wrong. Um now their perceptions, their fixed mind perceptions of others um could be that person insults my boundaries, that person's too needy, that person's indecisive, that person is too absent-minded, that person's a rule breaker.
Anybody have primary highest medal? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does that sound familiar to you? Ring true? Do you ever do you notice yourself in those definitions? Yes. Yeah. Um, fire people in the room. Where are you again? How often do you go for the lesson in that in that bad thing that happened?
Sometimes. Sometimes. But is it your like it's the is it the way you lead? Like do you lead in or do you do you lead with the emotional reaction to oh that hurt or wow I can learn something from this person who just dumped me?
Yeah. Yeah. How where on your um in your five what your top is fire which one is your metal. Yeah, that's why. Yes. So, so you know we have all of these in um there we go. We have all of these in different orders and you're modified by the ones that are also high. Second, third, you're modified by them. So, if you have really high fire and very low metal, you're likely to be a lot more reactive to to people's emotions and to relationships that might not have gone well. If you've got really high fire and really high metal, you balance that out. You're able to feel it and pause and reflect on it and understand why it went bad and be okay.
Uh, anything else I want to ask you guys? All right, let's go on to water. Okay. water people their gift to the world um is thank you their gift to the world is um is being deeply wise and insightful and giving us meaning and value why are we all here one of you guys mentioned you know the importance of um knowing why we're here what's the purpose in order to be self-aware um water are the harbingers of that um water people when they're stressed they can be withdrawn abs absent- minded, stubborn, grouchy. Um, their typical fixed mind thinking is, 'I should not have to socialize. I don't want to go to network with you. I don't want to make any friends here.
I shouldn't have to.' Um, um, they they tend to fear that they're going to make the wrong decision. Um, they uh they can't tolerate being misunderstood at the same time. So, while they're overly quiet more than the other types, they actually can perpetuate the very thing they they're most afraid of is being misunderstood. Does anybody have primary water? Oh, wow. Sorry, that was like very fiery of me. Um, it's not nor it's not common that we have a lot of water people in a room. Usually, they're they don't like to come to social events. Were you for W were you guys forced to come?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It's really important to round ourselves out to really understand all these components within us in order to be successful. I love it. I love that you guys are here. Anybody have lowest water? So about 90% of the people who take this assessment around the world and we have tens of thousands are lowest water. Um water is about listening. Water is about slowing down. Water is about not reacting to your stress states. Water is taking time and not listening to your fixed mind's p fixed mind perceptions. And so if you think about what does that say about our world? What does that say about our ability to not react, to not judge, to not criticize?
Look at what's happening in the world. Look at what's probably happening sometimes in our own families, in our own offices, in our own minds, right? Wood types um wood people their gift to the world is is freedom is teaching us that we can do what we want to do when we want to do it to to achieve and uh not worry about obstacles. Their stress states they become angry, intolerant, impulsive, impatient. um their fixed mind thinking under stress is that uh they will avoid they'll avoid challenges if they don't think they're going to win and they don't believe they should ever have to lose. And um they can also have perceptions where they go into thinking that people are too silly um that people don't get things done.
They're too weak. They're too uptight or they're too slow. Anybody have primary wood in the room? She's like it's not bad. These are just fixed the right these are fixed mind the these are what all of us you know what happens when we feel you know when we don't get our needs met for safety wood needs momentum in order to feel safe if they feel confined they go into these stress states right anybody have lowest wood okay lowest wood um one would people in their momentum movement state could could push your buttons And you might start to feel discomfort and go into your fixed mind thoughts and criticism of yourself and others. But it also means when you have low wood in your own energy that sometimes it's hard for you to take initiative.
It's hard to get things started. It's hard to stick to that exercise plan, right? Make sense? Okay. We're going to skip reflections. We're going to go we're going to go back. But I want to ask you something. You want to have a little bit of fun. Imagine now that you know a little bit about these elements that you have someone who's got a lot of wood and a lot of fire and very low water. Think about it from from an element perspective. What happens? What do you think happens inside that person's mind? They burn out. Yes. Literally, they burn out. Right. Someone who needs speed and needs fun with no pause and no slowing down. That's burnout.
Now, self-regulation. I want to move into this a little bit quickly. Each of us has a very different way that we regulate. Fire regulates through earth, right? How many fire people in the room? So, fire regulating through earth means that when you feel you're going into your fixed mind thoughts, you should eat something. You should talk to a friend you can trust, right? You should teach someone else something. Connect, go back to connect to people who you know have your back. When earth people uh are are in their stress states, they regulate through metal. Earth goes into overwhelm and worry. Um specifically about fitting in. Metal is the breath. So take a really nice exhale. That these are people who want fire.
Earth people regulate through the breath. They also regulate by organizing something, cleaning something. You clean out that junk drawer, re refold all your sweaters, clean out something in the fridge, right? Um, metal stops that ruminating brain. Metal is structure. And what happens? Earth in overwhelm, their mind can't stop. Metal behaviors stop the overwhelm. Metal regulates through water. Just pause. Just pause. You can meditate. Get creative. Walk away from it. Go outside. Slow down. Water people regulate through wood. Make a plan. Wood is a plan. What What's the one thing I can do to move this idea forward and get it out of my head? Water gets addicted to thinking. Wood moves it out. Yes. Right. Um what is also exercise?
It's also changing your perspective. If you can't exercise, turn and look around. Look, move your chair to face the other wall. It makes a huge difference for water who get water logged. Literally wood regulates through fire. Remember something amazing you did. You know, celebrate something. Watch a funny cat video. Um talk to someone who will remind you that you're amazing, that you that you've achieved so much. wood wood needs wood can feel very critical of themselves if they don't feel self-confident. So do something that boosts your confidence. All of these are are ways to regulate when you go into that spin out and the fixed mind so that that brings you back to a growth mind perspective so that you can actually use your brain and problem solve.
Right? Like we had our actors up here, they couldn't even access their brains, right? Okay. Um, now imagine how hard it is to regulate if you're wood and you have a lot of metal and a lot of earth around you or your boss is metal and your co- boss is earth. Wood needs momentum. What does metal do? Does is metal momentum and speed? No. Metal is the energy of stop and earth is earth all about speed? How many earth people right earth is about well let's sit with this. Let's kumbaya and wood is like how hard is it for for wood to regulate under those circumstances. It's not easy. So empathy I want to do a quick how many minutes do I have?
Five minutes. I want to do a quick empathy exercise. Now empathy there are a few stages to empathy. Empathy is not just like I'm going to put myself in her shoes and I know what she's feeling. Empathy is understanding what someone else feels. Understanding what they need to regulate and then regulate regulating yourself out of a fixed mindset. When you are in your fixed mindset, the other types feel it. No matter what you say or don't say, it is uncomfortable. There are certain challenges baked within this um this system that you know fire makes metal feel uncomfortable. wood makes earth feel uncomfortable. And so if we are in our fixed mind state, other people are feeling uncomfortable around us and they cannot access all the amazing skills that all these speakers have brought to us today because we're too stuck because someone's yelling at
me. So, I want you guys to make sure that again you learn how to slow down when you're feeling these stuck feelings and practice self-awareness, practice self-regulation, practice empathy. There's a lot more that you can learn. If you are interested in doing so, here's how to contact me. But in the meantime, we have like a second for a Q&A and I want to be able to answer any questions. So, thank you guys. Yeah. Oh
Okay. That's why I brought my phone up here, not to play. Although I, you know. Does anyone anyone want to guess what my primary is? Oh, I said it. Cheaters. Yeah, I'm fire. Okay, so fire. Um, okay. The invisible life of Addy Laroo. I loved uh the once in future witches. Really good. Um, a beautiful constraint is actually uh very related to the five elements. Uh a beautiful constraint is about how when we have structure metal when we have metal when we have to um conform to specific rules and we don't just have the freedom to create like wood people like to and fire people like to it forces us to get super creative. So I love that the giver of stars the Paris library autobiography of a yogi I'm being very fire about this answer so I'll stop.
Yes. Any other questions? In what scenario? too. Yeah. So, if you look at the cycle, the ones next to you are nurturers. The ones across from you are your challengers. Now, they challenge you to grow. It doesn't mean that you can't ever hang out with someone who's across from you or that you can't hire someone on your team who's, you know, a challenger. It means that they are going to challenge you the most to stay in your growth mindset and to not go into your perceptions. Um, so the people next to you, yes, wood and earth are incredible. I'm sorry, wood and and water are incredible nurturers together, but the dynamics are very different.
And when you understand them and you honor and dignify the humanity, you grow from each other. Anybody else? Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.